


Screaming In Your Silence

by TheBeautifulLove



Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Drug Use, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Obsessive Behavior, Pain, Self-Harm, Smoking, Swearing, but the drugs are only in hoshi's dream, hoshi is looking for a distraction in the arms of other men, of course it doesn't work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23397808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBeautifulLove/pseuds/TheBeautifulLove
Summary: Chan’s eyes are glossy and the pupils are dilated, cheeks flushed. The white smoke from the joint in his hand is swaying in the spring breeze, creating pretty shapes around them and he’s looking in the distance, watching something that seems to be far, far away.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Chan | Dino, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Yoon Jeonghan
Kudos: 34





	Screaming In Your Silence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xmisscarrotx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xmisscarrotx/gifts).



> Hi all!
> 
> So, stuck in isolation, I decided to finish this, which was in my files for some time.  
> xmisscarrotx - I promised you :) I told you that if I ever write soonchan again then it's for you.  
> I kept the promise, hope you enjoy! x

Thinking about it, maybe it’s not that weird in the end. 

He continues to watch like it’s a movie, like it’s the last one he will ever see. Even when time passes and the night gets deeper, calmer, his heart becomes wilder and his mind clearer. It feels like he’s under the influence but he’s so clean, to the point that it starts to disgust him. It starts to make him feel strangely sick; just how pure, how clean he is. He has the sudden urge to go out in the dark night and look for something to destroy him. Not to kill him, just to mess him up a little. Just to see how it feels to not try to be so fucking perfect all the time. 

What it’s like to live a little, explore the outside, step out of the bubble, see the true colours of the world. Find out for himself the bitter taste of reality and maybe, if he’s lucky, lose himself in a moment where he can let go of everything. A moment of ecstasy, of freedom maybe. 

He shifts his eyes from Chan, who still sleeps so peacefully, to his own hands in his lap. He can’t remember when was the last time he got a good night’s sleep but he’s not tired. He’s buzzing with some kind of energy, like the adrenaline before a performance but different somehow. It feels different and that’s why he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Sometimes when he feels like this, he goes to the dance studio and goes at it until he practically collapses, hoping his body will be satisfied with that kind of release. 

Even if in the past it has somewhat worked, it surely doesn’t anymore. 

So, now, instead of torturing himself and ending up crying on the cold floor, the too bright light hurting his eyes and sweat pouring out of his every pore, he stays in the room. At best, it feels like something itching at the back of his mind, at his fingertips, like he wants to reach out for something, hear something, feel something new. At worst, it feels like burning, flames licking at his skin and the worst is that they know all his weak points. 

It’s human; it’s something basic. Something very physical in the way his heart hammers in his chest at the mere thought of it, the way his hands tremble and his lips dry. But it’s not only that. There are millions of thoughts in his head too... and fear. So much fear. 

That’s why he only ever allows himself to watch. In the darkness, nobody knows that he’s staring at Chan’s lips for a bit too long, that he’s looking at him lovingly but maybe not necessarily in the most innocent way. There is an edge to how he watches the younger that is too dangerous for the daylight, for exposing to other people. 

Night is his friend and so is luck tonight, it seems, for letting him pick the maknae’s name to be his roommate for the next couple of days. 

Chan’s so fucking pretty. There might be twelve other guys in the band and they’re all hot, sure, he wouldn’t reject any of them but there is something about this boy, sleeping few steps away from him right now that makes his skin tingle. He wants to protect him, adore him, then wreck him, then put him back together again. Make his every wish come true, make him comfortable, let him be in control, let him be the dominant one... 

The shaky breath he exhales sounds loud in the deadly silent room. 

‘How can someone be like this...?’ he whispers and watches the question sink to the floor, heavy, unanswered. ‘You’re not Jeonghan’s baby, you’re mine.’ He’s shaking really bad right now, close to breaking down in tears. 

Suddenly, he starts to laugh, the quiet, crazy laughter masks his real pain. He realises how mad he sounds saying these things out loud in the middle of a night. If the younger boy heard him, he would think his hyung is out of his mind. Maybe he is. Sometimes it truly does feel like insanity. 

But Chan is still breathing evenly, still deep asleep and those lips are slightly parted and the shiny black hair is slightly messy and he’s so fucking perfect, it has Soonyoung grasping fistfuls of the white sheets of his bedding in frustration. 

In his head he can see the cute smile, he can hear the voice, the laugh... 

It’s not just that he can’t sleep. It’s not the reason he’s staring like a creep. It’s also that when he finally manages to fall into some short, uneasy sleep, the scenes he sees playing before his eyes are so wrong, they mess him up even more. He tries so hard to fight the thoughts invading his head during the day, but when he’s asleep, he has no such control. His mind goes wild. 

Truly wild. In ways that he’s never even imagined himself to be capable of. 

Maybe it’s just a phase, he thinks as he gets up from his bed and takes a few slow steps towards the other bed in the room. He sits on the floor, looking up the boy sleeping there, knowing it’s already too late, he’s gone too far to turn back and so he continues to stare. 

He reaches out his hand but pulls it back instantly. It’s even worse when he gets closer. He doesn’t know where to go from there. It’s like he’s looking at a visible red line that he knows he can never cross but oh, he’s so tempted. 

Just as slowly as he came here, he gets up equally slowly and moves back to his bed but this time he gets under the covers and closes his eyes. Tears that have been hiding in the corners of his eyes for some time now, finally spill and roll down his pale cheeks. 

Tonight, just like any other night, he still dreams of Chan. This time, there is an almost sickly sweet and lightly herbal scent around them and it feels familiar somehow. 

A cough, followed by another and another one. “Hyung, that’s strong. Feels like my lungs are screaming.” At the sound of the voice, he turns to the side so fast, he nearly pulls a muscle in his neck. 

Chan’s eyes are glossy and the pupils are dilated, cheeks flushed. The white smoke from the joint in his hand is swaying in the spring breeze, creating pretty shapes around them and he’s looking in the distance, watching something that seems to be far, far away. 

“That’s how it feels like when you smoke for the first time.” Soonyoung reaches out to take it from him but Chan doesn’t let him, proceeding to take another long puff, this time better, it’s clear from his face that he liked that one. 

He inhales so deeply, closing his eyes, learning, mastering another skill, a fast learner. He still coughs a little but he smiles like he’s never been happier in his life. “Similar to how it felt to fall in love with you, hyung.” Chan stares at him and this time it is Soonyoung’s lungs that feel like screaming, along with the rest of his internal organs. 

Then he wakes up and unsurprisingly everything still hurts. 

*** 

He shouldn’t be here. He promised himself that this can’t go on. He doesn’t want it. 

The recording studio is dim; Jihoon’s breath is warm and the words he whispers in Soonyoung’s ear send chills down his spine. He wants to run away but he stays in place. 

He doesn’t want it but he needs it and that changes everything. 

‘I missed you.’ Fans wouldn’t believe that this side to the producer could ever exist but he’s come to know it so well. 

Soonyoung watches him with an intense stare like he could capture this image in his brain. The tiredness in his bandmate’s dark eyes mixed with the urge, the deep want. He wants to remember, so that he can laugh later, when in front of the cameras the older pretends to be cold and indifferent again. 

‘I’m here now.’ He hears himself reply and it’s so flat. He knows Jihoon is smart enough to tell, to see through him, to guess the truth. 

But he pretends not to. The truth is messed up. Why dig into something that’s so complicated? The false pretence is so easy, so comforting. Soonyoung is not going anywhere, regardless of what’s in his heart, so Jihoon moves closer. ‘You’re free to leave whenever you want.’ 

That’s new and now that he pays a little more attention, he can see something different in the elder’s eyes tonight. ‘I’m fine where I am.’ He lies and Jihoon smiles sadly at him but nods. 

He’s not proving anything to the other boy and he’s not trying to convince himself of anything either but with a sudden determination he moves closer to the other, wraps his arms around the small waist and picks him up easily from the huge leather chair. Jihoon’s arms wrap around his neck and legs around his hips automatically. 

That sofa in the corner of the room has always been very convenient. He throws the younger on top of it with some force and leans over him, watches the fire starting to burn in the composer’s eyes. It’s pretty and inviting and warm but it makes Soonyoung feel so cold, so empty inside. 

He captures the lips that have been waiting impatiently for him with urgency, like he doesn’t have much time and tonight like many nights before, his hyung will be the well from which he will greedily drink to temporarily quench his thirst. Not to feel satisfied but just enough to make it go away for some time. 

As his hands wander all over Jihoon’s smooth, warm skin, Soonyoung’s mind fills with images of someone else and that’s when his body starts to really heat up. 

*** 

‘Something wrong, Hoshi-yah?’ Jeonghan asks suddenly and Soonyoung looks at him curiously. 

He takes a moment to take the other’s face in. Truly take it all in, feature by feature like he’s never seen him before. Maybe notice something he’s missed. Lips. Jeonghan’s lips are quite pretty even though they’re thin. ‘Wrong?’ He looks up to the elder’s eyes again and it’s obvious Jeonghan has noticed him staring. 

‘Yeah. Something on your mind?’ He leans closer and maybe that’s what shocks him a bit. ‘Something I can help with?’ There is an edge to the voice, it becomes smoother and deeper. 

‘Maybe.’ He makes a deliberate show of looking down at the vocalist’s lips again then back up at his eyes. He gets a little closer. ‘Maybe.’ He repeats. 

They just stare at each other for a long moment before Jeonghan wakes up from the daze first and looks around the room full of people. ‘Come see me later and I’ll see what I can do.’ 

He nods, on the outside a mature adult, on the inside a scared child and the rest of the day passes by like a minute. He’s confused but he’s just looking for a solution, for some cure. Or that’s what he tells himself when he walks into the elder’s room that night. 

It was almost painful to leave his angel sleeping there and come looking for something from another man but it’s for the better. He won’t ever hurt his precious angel. 

Speaking of angels, Jeonghan is waiting for him already splayed out on his bed, wearing all white and with his blonde hair and pale complexion, he looks otherworldly and Soonyoung can see it, can appreciate it but it doesn’t make him feel anything. 

‘I thought you won’t come.’ 

‘I’m here.’ It feels like a déjà vu. Will he ever stop this foolishness? 

Jeonghan sits up on his bed, waiting, so Soonyoung makes the few steps to meet him there hesitantly and sits next to the older. ‘Do you want to talk first?’ 

The dancer shakes his head, feeling strangely numb. He grabs the other’s jaw and smashes their lips together forcefully. The other responds just as enthusiastically but it all feels just as empty as he expected. Yet the older holds him tightly in his arms like it’s the last time and he starts to feel those tears again. They’re pushing at his eyelids and he doesn’t want to open his eyes, doesn’t want to let them go. 

But when they break away from each other, he breaks down completely. He starts to cry, a broken mess in Jeonghan’s lap. 

‘He’s not your baby.’ He manages to get out between painful sobs. ‘He’s not yours. Tell me- tell me he’s mine. Only mine...’ 

There is a long pause and the elder boy seems frozen, sitting there, so Soonyoung looks up to see his expression. It’s blank but not shocked and with seconds passing by, the understanding dawns on him, bringing a strange glow to his eyes. 

‘He’s not mine. He never was.’ He starts to gently run his hand through the younger’s hair and it’s strangely soothing. ‘He’s not a baby anymore either.’ 

‘Don’t make me hopeful. Please, don’t do that.’ 

The blonde gets up from the bed and walks to look out the window. He sighs heavily. ‘You should go back to your room. There is nothing I can do to help you.’ Without any feelings and tears still wet on his cheeks, he gets up and walks toward the door. ‘Soonyoung?’ He stops with the hand on the handle to listen to the other boy. ‘Tell him.’ 

He freezes and his heart picks up the speed. ‘You’re insane, hyung.’ He opens the door and right before he closes it after himself, he hears a low laugh. 

*** 

The room is so dark. He looks to the bed right away; he’s always looking for him, always curious to where he is but the bed is empty. Soonyoung looks around but there is nobody. He switches on the light, checks the bathroom frantically. 

He’s about to text the group chat asking if Chan is staying with someone else in another room when he notices a small piece of paper on his own bed. 

“Went for a walk, hyung. Don’t worry about me, just couldn’t sleep. Felt like I was suffocating, needed air. Will be back. Maybe.” 

He reads it three times before it really registers in his brain. ‘Maybe? What’s that supposed to mean?’ He wonders out loud, confused. 

He doesn’t know if he should tell someone or wait for Chan to come back. In the end, he does neither. He puts on his warmest jacket and hat and leaves to look for the younger in the night. Rationality goes out the window. 

The little park near the apartment looks empty, the roads are mostly empty too except an occasional passer-by. He doesn’t know where he’s going or if there is any point looking for the maknae, he could be anywhere but there are some lights in the distance and he decides to check it out. 

It turns out the orange and yellow lights come from the brightly lit sign of the nearby convenience store. He walks inside and it’s pretty empty there too, except the bored-looking shopkeeper reading a newspaper behind the counter. He’s about to leave when he notices the older man looking up at him curiously. 

Soonyoung stands by the counter. ‘Was there a young, black-haired boy here today by any chance?’ He tries, asking politely. 

The man puts the newspaper down and smirks. ‘Today? About twenty or so.’ 

‘I’m looking for a specific one though.’ He pulls his phone out to show a recent picture of Chan to the middle-aged man. 

He seems to think for a minute, scrunching his brows, looking at the image but then shakes his head. ‘Seems familiar but my memory is not as good as it used to be.’ He gives another nasty smirk. There is something unnerving about his character. 

Soonyoung looks around the store and picks the first things he can see to his right, in the refrigerated section, that happen to be water and soju. He grabs a bottle of each. He places it on the counter along with a fifty thousand won bill. ‘How about now? Starting to remember something?’ He shoves the picture of Chan up to the man’s face again. 

After a moment, the man nods reluctantly. ‘He was here about an hour ago.’ Soonyoung grabs the water and soju and heads for the door. Before he leaves, the shopkeeper’s voice stops him. ‘Hope you’re not too late. He was cute.’ 

He turns around but the man is back to reading the paper, not looking at him. ‘What do you mean?’ Silence. ‘What the fuck did you sell him, you fucking bastard?!’ He shouts but the man doesn’t even move. 

He swears again and runs out of the shop. Standing outside, he just wants to scream. 

‘Where are you, where did you go?’ He whispers to himself instead. 

For a moment he’s sure he’s imagining it. His mind is playing tricks on him but he hears sobs in the night that sound like Chan. He stops breathing, listening so intently, holding his breath until his lungs are screaming, waiting. The soft sobs sound from around the corner of the building. Soonyoung gasps for air, lightheaded, everything looks blurry until it finally sharpens again with every other loud breath. 

He runs towards the direction where the sobs come from and the sight that greets him, breaks him down into pieces. 

Chan is sitting with his back resting against the brick wall, bottles of alcohol around him, mostly empty and something long and silver, shining in his right hand. 

‘Chan?’ He sounds breathless and weak, standing there, taking it all in. 

Like a scene played in slow motion, the younger turns his face to look at him. Through his long bangs, he squints at Soonyoung like he can’t recognise him. 

‘Hyung?’ 

The weak sound makes him run. In a second, he’s kneeling by the maknae who hurriedly hides something from Soonyoung’s sight and lowers the black sleeve of his hoodie. The elder’s heart begins to race when he notices the small pool of bright red blood on the cold concrete, by Chan’s feet. 

‘What have you done?’ He tries to ask calmly, to hide his nerves and worries but he sounds breathless and his fingers ache to reach out and pull that sleeve up himself. 

They’re so close. Chan looks at the older for a moment, unsure. Millions of emotions play in his shining eyes before he reaches behind him and presents a pair of scissors to his hyung. 

It’s not a pair of those office ones or the school ones, it’s those full metal ones that hairdressers use, those with very sharp points. There is blood all over them. 

Chan himself stares at them for a moment like he can’t understand it too. ‘I just wanted to feel something.’ He finally confesses. ‘I wanted a piece of you on me, like Jihoon-hyung has but differently from him, I wanted mine to last forever.’ 

What? 

The silence stretches between them while Soonyoung tries to process the meaning of what he just heard. ‘Me?’ He blinks in confusion. ‘Jihoon?’ 

‘I like you hyung and I know you like someone else.’ Watching the surprise and shock on Soonyoung’s face, he adds: ‘Don’t worry, I will keep a secret.’ 

Unable to take this in anymore, tears stream down the elder’s cheeks. ‘This is insane.’ He looks at the younger for a moment, takes in the beautiful boy in front of him. Laughing like he’s insane and still crying hard he leans down, putting both of his palms on either side of Chan’s face, he kisses him. 

Chan’s cold cheeks and Soonyoung’s wet tears mixing between them but the lips are warm and when the younger kisses him back, it feels almost like summer. 

He tries to put his hands on Soonyoung’s neck but quickly breaks the kiss and hisses in pain, looking down at his left arm. 

They’re both looking down at the covered arm, Chan in indifference and Soonyoung in fear. 

‘Show me.’ 

After a moment, after a deep breath in and a barely audible apology, Chan carefully reveals his forearm to the older boy. At first, Soonyoung thinks it’s just a random set of scratches and carvings in the delicate skin but it has a pattern, he notices after a while. It’s hard to see, the blood is still lightly pouring out of the wounds, it’s smeared everywhere but it’s not random. 

‘Chan, why?’ Tears blur his vision when he asks, he wipes at them angrily. ‘What were you thinking?!’ He doesn’t wait for any answer. ‘This can get infected, it’s so big. We need to get you to a hospital now.’ He’s already pulling out his phone from his jeans and calling the ambulance, standing up from the ground. 

When a lady picks up the call, he turns away from the boy to tell her the exact location. Only when she assures him the help is on the way, he turns back to Chan, worried expression on his face. 

The younger is in the same position, sitting on the floor but he’s now using the water from the bottle that Soonyoung brought from the shop to wash his wound. 

‘No, don’t! It could get worse...’ Soonyoung gets closer and tries to stop him but now that the arm is mostly clean of the blood and dirt, the word carved with the scissors is clear. 

Rather than a word, a name is there in bright, angry red. 

“Soonyoung” written in English. 

On pure instinct, the elder turns away from it, unable to look at his own name there, blood starting to flow again; for a second it feels like he might be sick so he takes a few deep breaths. 

‘I’m sorry hyung. I thought this was the only way I could always have you near me... I didn’t ever imagine that you could like me, I wanted you so bad.’ Only then Soonyoung gathers the courage to face him again. ‘I know it’s disgusting but... it felt strangely good... felt good to finally feel some other kind of pain.’ 

‘God, Chan... if only I knew-’ Soonyoung starts but the loud siren of the ambulance stops him. 

It becomes a chaos with people shouting at them from afar, probably the paramedics but Soonyoung doesn’t care to even look back because the younger boy suddenly holds his hands and with eyes shining with tears he whispers gently: ‘We’ll be fine. Everything’s just the way it was meant to be, not a single thing is out of place.’ 

He smiles and right then Soonyoung starts to believe in angels.


End file.
